Thursday, April 28, 2016

Saving from Abortion; Losing to Suicide?


Yeah, I know. Heavy Title. But if you read it and decided to read this far past it, you're more committed to truth than the average ostrich. This is an article for anyone, but it is addressed mainly to my fellow Christians.

Adoptee Suicides, at FOUR TIMES the rate of non-adoptee suicides, (and among those, the female average is higher than the male) need to be acknowledged.

We all know who's behind it. It's that Jesus-hater, satan. (I won't give him the honor of a capitalized name.) He can't stand the thought of Christians OR potential Christians and therefore, he loves suicide. Loves it. I don't know when the first suicide occurred but I know it was his idea. It's been his idea ever since.

But we don't get off free of blame just because we know who's behind the pain. Once we know truth, we know. It is our job to do something and if we do not, we shoulder at least a part of the blame. At the least level, our first responsibility is acknowledgement.

Acknowledgement that the suicide rate among adoptees is four times higher than among non-adoptees?
No, acknowledgement of the reasons why.

I believe our irresponsibility is compounded when we know truth, ignore it and then convince others to ignore it as well. How would one do that, you might ask? 

The people who most often blow the whistle in regard to adoptee life are none other than adoptees, themselves.  Stigmas over adoption, (ironically in direct opposition to the lovely pictures painted of adoption), place the adoptee at an immediate credibility disadvantage. Have you ever seen the movie, "Anne of Green Gables"? There is a scene where Marilla's best friend is attempting to talk her out of taking in an orphan. (In those days, people didn't 'adopt' the way they do today.) Her argument? "Mark my words! Those are the ones that put strychnine in the well!" If that one doesn't resonate, what about this one, spoken teasingly from one biological sibling to another and very often the punch-line in family sitcoms: "You're adopted!"  The underlying translation for this is, "You don't belong to us!" And of course, now that it's been pointed out, you'll think of more, or catch it more quickly when another one pops up. So, yes, there is a stigma already in place whether we like to admit it or not in today's politically correct world. 

With this kind of stigma in place, it's easy for a person of influence to do the work of ignoring the truth and cause others to do the same. How piously can such a person do this by shaking the head as if in pity while saying words such as, "Oh, well, she's just sorting through some things", or, "He's just not happy w/his/her own adoptive parents so he thought he'd go find some he liked better", or, "He's just one of those who was abused by his adoptive parents", or here's a good one.... "She's just reacting to his/her own unforgiveness toward her own adoptive parents". 

This isn't made up.

Know this...the word "JUST" can be demeaning and devaluing if used in the right context...or perhaps I should say, the wrong context.

Another way to ignore a problem is to...ignore it. Pretend there is no problem by not acknowledging anything to do with the problem or perhaps worse, smiling and 'bobble-heading' when a person speaks of the problem and then purposefully dismissing the painful truth from thought. 

Life goes on...or does it?

There are still sad adoptees out there taking their own lives.

This pretending things are not what they are and are what they are not and hiding behind the skirt of Jesus, spouting self-righteous excuses while doing so... 

(But we save so many with adoption! But the child would have lived in poverty! But the mother wasn't married!)

...This. Is. WRONG.

Don't get me wrong. There is a place for adoption. A huge place. Adoption is not 'bad'. But there ARE bad things involved in adoption. We need to see the truth of those things and do something to make them better...not bandaged, but better. The biggest 'bad' I see in adoption is this blindfolded approach we take towards it. But with this many suicides, the blindfold needs to be dropped.

SOMETHING IS WRONG.
ADOPTEES ARE SAD.
Let's find out why.
Let's help make it better.
WE have Jesus! If anyone has THE tools for making things better, it's Christians.
But we have to STOP PRETENDING!!!

It's time Christians access the courage granted by the Holy Spirit and admit to the truth...adoption is traumatic to the adoptee even in the best of circumstances because it removes the baby, who has been proven to comprehend far more than previously supposed, from it 'first mother'. And let's not omit older children from the equation. I have foster-parented children coming from terrible situations at home. It doesn't matter...they mourn and grieve the loss of their home and the parents we know are unhealthy for children to be among. Today, I am happy to say, the foster parent system is learning the better way of temporarily placing children while parents that can be are rehabilitated and trained. It's not foolproof or fail-safe, but it is at least an honest effort that many times works for the best of all concerned.

Movies tell us that the main thing the homeless/neglected child wants is a home with any parents, but the real dream is to have a home with their own parents loving them and caring for them as they should. And even when this is impossible and the child knows it, the wish is there. The sadness is there. The mourning is there.

We should never expect gratefulness from them and we should stop expecting them to be overjoyed at the prospect of leaving their family to live with strangers. That's a word to the wise on the behalf of fostered/adopted children, teens and yes, even infants.

And regarding infants, lets remember the other truth no one wants to acknowledge...Many, many adopt because they cannot conceive. I know I'm walking in the thorns in writing of this, but I must. In such cases, the baby is filling a void. Whether or not that's the only reason they are adopting, adoptive parents should strongly rebuke anyone who makes them out to be a hero. In this case, particularly, the infant/child is actually the one doing the emotional saving. Whether the adoption is public or private, extensive counseling should take place in such placements. These parents need to heal rather than try to bandage their hearts with a baby. If they don't, it's a Pandora's Box just waiting for the lid to come off.

And the lid will come off.

First things first, oh world of Fix-Me-Quicks!

Certainly, separation from one's birth parents is not always an avoidable trauma. It is a wonderful thing that there are people ready and willing to care for children as if they are their own. But we get off track when we ignore the 'as if' of the previous sentence and more importantly, any adoptee's woundedness. Remember it simply does not matter what they came from. It also doesn't even matter how much their new parents and family wants and loves them. The hole in their heart is primal. It was there before these new parents came on scene. It is there, regardless. It must be acknowledged, not ignored. It must be understood, not swept beneath a carpet of fear.

The psyche forced to pretend cheer in the midst of such severe loss often splits, hence the reports of so many adoptees of feeling as if they were"living a double life". Most adoptees learn to perfect the game of pretend. They learn, even in infancy, what is expected and what pleases. If pretending is what is expected, they will comply, sometimes for years, sometimes until a point in adulthood and sometimes, forever. But parents who encourage this game of pretend play a dangerous game of roulette. Adoptees make up some of the world's greatest pretenders...until they decide they're tired of playing. Until they, as Deanna Shrodes calls it, 'come out of the fog' in a desperate attempt to find healing for their torn self.

I know. It happened to me. It was like swimming under water and finally finding my way to the surface. Just beyond the surface was truth. Breaking through, I had the sudden joy of knowing I'd live...but then I saw how far I'd have to swim to reach the shore. I survived because I had Jesus. He was my life raft.

Why is it, in every other situation involving loss, we show such understanding of the need to heal, while in adoption, the child so recently separated from it's mother is expected to rejoice? Placing such expectations on the emotions of a child creates a myriad of problems stemming from hidden, unprocessed grief.

I didn't say that right. Not just hidden GRIEF. Repressed isn't even a proper adjective. This is smashed-down GRIEF. This is GRIEF so many adoptees are expected or have been expected to stomp into a bucket until it can be stomped down no more. Ignore it and it will just go away.

NOT. 


Christians, this is a call to truth in adoption. There's so much more. Get involved. Stop saying everything's okay as it is. It is not okay. It is horrendously not okay. It is SO not okay that adoptees are dying by their own hands four times more often than the rest of the sad population.

Which makes adoptees the saddest of the sad.

Were they saved from abortion only to be lost to suicide?
I think not.
Surely we can do better than this.

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